Restrospection on the Year 2009

I haven't done much writing in a while; at least the type of writing that inspires me or makes me think. After the harrowing experience of my temp job from August-November, my brain needed a rest. It had turned to mush and it was tired of thinking. Even when I forced it to think, to read, to work on homework, it would not comply. Like a paralysis but one of only the mind. I didn't want to believe that I had lost my drive to write or that I had lost my motivation for everything. I am usually quite motivated despite my general laziness.

But it was burn out. I used to believe the term "burn out," used to describe the mental and physical breakdown of the body after a period of extreme stress, was a cop out for laziness. A mental roadblock to convince oneself that "I have been procrastinating because I am burned out," but this was a real and true condition. The temporary paralysis of my brain: I would force it to move for me. Listen to me, brain, you are going nowhere!

Since after leaving West Hollywood, I have indulged myself in brainlessness. I've lost passion for many of the things I strove for and believed in. I used to stare out at the fantasy and wonder of the world, conjecturing about people and their stories, hoping to collect the pieces of information for the next writing project. Not now, no. I find comfort in the recluse of my bedroom. It is only recently that I feel compelled to take control of myself again and remember who it is that I am and what I believe in.

Selling portions of your soul to corporate goons really messes up what's left of it.

I found myself emotionless for some time, unwilling to do much beyond indulging in self-detrimental behavior. I reacted this way because I thought I was violating my sense of self, but in reality, I still hadn't truly formed who I was as a person, who my character was, for lack of a better term. I suppose I'm still in the process of figuring all of that out, and sorting out all of my sordid complexities and contradictions.

Despite all of the self-grappling and external issues (concerning school, family, home life, finances, other personal matters) thrown at me, I had an amazing year 2009: co-head editor for The Northridge Review, graduation, getting published in Tayo Literary Magazine, being employed after college with a job pertaining to my degree, seeing my two closest friends move away (an act of separation, which, will only each of us as individuals to grow as a butterfly emerges from its cocoon), and oh...finding a nice boy to spend some time with (a story for elaboration later).

I welcome the highs of the year because they were wonderful...and I also welcome the lows because those are tests of my strength. I can take something away from each experience and that, my friends, builds character.

Musings, Updates, and the Unclear Future

On a whim, I applied to CSUN's MA program. I had much encouragement from my professors and classmates. One--because I truly think that these people believed that I could succeed in grad school. Two--I still felt I had much to learn about my writing: the art, the literary value, and the theoretical approaches of it. I know many people think it's crazy, to go the same undergrad for grad, but I have only been at CSUN for two years and only spent about half the time truly concentrating on creative writing.

For me, this is simply a continuation. I will continue to grow as a writer in this time. Grad school will be a challenge, but I feel that it would be more on my level. I enjoy a challenge myself. I'm ambitious. In undergrad, I always liked to go the extra mile just so I could not only test my boundaries, but also so that I could set myself apart and show that I have merit. Something beyond the workshop story, but an actual literary and artistic piece that may be perhaps be a cut above, or a potential contender for greatness.

With that said, I am accepted as a conditionally classified student. I am enrolled in one class, but it's a 400-level undergrad creative writing class. O.o I haven't been able to register in any grad classes because (and here's why I mentioned I applied on a whim) I applied so late, so last minute that by the time I was able to register, all the classes were full. Now it is time to do the sit-in, beg, plead, and hope for an open spot somewhere.

In other news, I have had a short story accepted for publication. Tayo Literary Magazine is up-and-coming and is geared towards Filipino-American youth empowerment. I think it's great that this magazine coming up. It's great to read literature, see photos and artwork by Fil-Am youth. Somehow, I think that Filipinos in the arts are rarely highlighted. We exist. We are there. This magazine, though it is still fledgling, is a novel (no pun intended :P) idea because it showscases Filipinos in a way, that perhaps prior, we haven't been seen before. I'm proud of the beliefs of the editors of the magazine, what it stands for, what it is doing for the community.

In other editorial news, perhaps I've not mentioned this, but I am the co-head editor of CSUN's literary magazine, The Northridge Review for the Fall 2009 issue. We are nearly complete with the magazine, and are expecting to have a release early in the upcoming semester. :D

Now for the future. I'm not sure what will happen within these next two months. Two friends of mine have thrown a curveball into my life. They are going to Korea to teach English, as part of a special program. I'm excited for them and I want them to succeed, especially because not only is an excellent opportunity to travel, immerse into another culture, and on a humanitarian note, to teach children...but it's also a great alternative to being thrust into the capitalist real world that we call an economically faltering America. I won't lie and say to myself that I applied to grad school so that I could postpone diving into the real world because I couldn't find a job. (However, this is a topic I will further elaborate on, in terms of my longer-term future goals) I can't even get hired at Barnes & Noble, for crying out loud, despite the fact that my resume is looking pretty good now.

In any case, Myra and Jenny, are off to Korea within the next two months, and they will fulfill a year's contract to teach. They are two of my closest friends and I will miss them terribly.

And so they are persuading me to go to Korea and teach as well. -_-

Now this is going to be tricky. Stay tuned...