Don't Call Me Lazy

For a while now, I haven't had the same enthusiasm for school as I used to have. It's not that I'm not interested in the material or that I don't care, because I truly do, but I'm still not sure how I can exactly explain myself.

I do find it difficult to focus on the intensive reading and writing that grad school brings. Ironically, I lack the willpower to write a sentence. Papers that have been handed back to me are marked with critiques over the simplest things--punctuation, grammar (things I have always been exceptional with) and word choice is often confusing in my creative works. The simplest things are now the most problematic.

I wonder what has brought about this lack of motivation. While researching something to pinpoint my feelings, the search engines often pointed to depression or a depressive episode but that is far from it, at least at this present time. On the whole, I'm in a good place.

As a student, I'd always needed a little push to study because I relied too much on my natural instinct and existing intelligence. I was "lazy," but don't call me lazy. I skated by on this quite frequently. It didn't work too well in high school, when I actually had to study and put some real effort into my schoolwork and it was clear that my grades suffered because of it. It is only in recent years that I began working hard again, with diligence, with care, with attention. I remember there was a point in 2007-2008 when I was a full-time student and spent entire days at school, studying, reading, yet never felt drained.

Somewhere between Fall 2009 and now, that care and that willpower escaped me.

Should I point fingers and is it even beneficial to do so? At the corporate job that slashed at my soul and toyed with my spirit for three months? At the continuous plow of schoolwork that urged me on everyday (in a good way)? I'd like to pinpoint the source of this inner conflict...

In recent school-related news, CSUN has removed the master's program's thesis in the English department. This will eventually affect the entire campus and possibly the entire CSU system by next fall semester. All independent studies are gone as well. The reason for the removal of the master's thesis is simply this: a money issue and a lawsuit. An unwillingness to compensate the thesis committee for the hours they put in as advisors and readers. That's the long story short. I wasn't sure how to feel about this at first. I was obviously very eager to write a thesis when I first entered the program, but with my recent disillusionment with grad school, this put many things into perspective.

I know this probably happens to many [grad] students and that I have to simply plow on, no matter how mentally difficult. Yes, I realize I bitch a lot when things don't always 100% emotionally-mentally gel for me. But it sure does feel good to write about it. :D